Soul Stirrings…

Ang Pokpok ng Ohio

Grabbing the opportunity of yet another “cultural experience”, Me, Ninz, Teru and her officemates watched the play “Ang Pokpok ng Ohio” at the CCP. I don’t know why, maybe it was the rain, but I was in a somber mood after the play. Although I enjoyed it immensely, it was quite heavy for me take.

It’s the story of a woman void of dead-end misery and hopelessness and a man’s palpable anguish of his dissipated bravado.

A poetic drama of lost dreams, lost causes, lost opportunities. It really made me sad. God, I hope that I will never experience those.

The Plastic Balloon

Going home, we were at the terminal waiting for the FX to arrive. With nothing to do, Teru took out 3 plastic balloons. She opened hers and started blowing. She was able to make 3, and oblivious to the people in the terminal, she started taking pictures of us with the balloons. Wow, I was genuinely having fun.

Who would have thought this was how a very “cultured” night would end?

Thanks to Teru and her plastic balloons. From being in a somber mood, I was transported back to the time of my childhood and the magic of plastic balloons.

Life is so simple when you are a child.

It is the time where dreams are possible, causes, attainable and opportunities, endless.

And before I went to sleep, I uttered a prayer of thanks. I may have had a couple of missteps, but I’m glad I was able to stand up and start over again. I closed my eyes, comforted with the thought that tomorrow will be another chance for me to dream, to achieve and to conquer.

There are just some things (or someone…) that’s too beautiful to be yours…*sigh* that’s just how life is…unfair.

I’m just thankful for the fact that something (or someone…) that beautiful came my way…

that even for a fleeting moment, I was blessed…

"You’re Beautiful"

by James Blunt

My life is brilliant

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I’m sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man.

But I won’t lose no sleep on that,

‘Cause I’ve got a plan.

You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

Flying high,

And I don’t think that I’ll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don’t know what to do,

‘Cause I’ll never be with you.

You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful.

You’re beautiful, it’s true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it’s time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

I don’t have a boyfriend. I don’t date either.

I’m not an official old maid yet (God, no, I’m only 25 and yes, I’m being too paranoid)

My being single is partly a product of circumstance and partly a consequence of free will. I am not single for the sake of being single. Nor am I a commitment-phobe (or so I thought, but then again…) I had a very unsuccessful relationship in the past and it didn’t end well because we disagreed on so many things, not to mention, he was becoming a bane on my self-esteem.

That was the deal-breaker.

So, it came to the point where I must evaluate and weigh my position against the available alternatives relative to my personal happiness. In other words, I ditched the guy, (or was it the other way around?) and decided to wait for a while instead of jumping the gun and falling into the wrong relationship again.

But back to the topic again, Do I like being single? Yes. Being single certainly has its upsides. Having freedom and personal latitude are just some of the perks.

But basically, being single affords me the opportunity to discover who I am, what I do and don’t like, how I deal with things, what I want out of life, what my expectations are, what my potentials and limitations are, what energizes and empowers me, and what discourages and disappoints me.

But of course, there’s always a drawback. There are times that I just want to shout: SINGLE LIFE SUCKS! And the proverbial “being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely” tirade just don’t work anymore. I slip out of my “independent woman” mode and give into my “damsel in distress senti” mood:

Being single for quite sometime, I would usually go out alone, I would walk around the mall and look for a good restaurant I haven’t tried yet. Sigh. I’ve eaten pretty much everywhere; I’m getting sick of it. (This is usually on bad days, when being alone just gets to you…honestly, I really look forward spending the day just by myself, not that I don’t have friends to go out it…tch, I’m rambling…you know what I mean) And that the only thing I would love to do is make dinner with someone. What I really want is a meaningful relationship. Everyone wants that, who doesn’t?

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too picky. But there’s a big difference in just being with someone who catches my fancy at the moment, than being with “the one”. That’s short of saying that I’m settling. And I don’t want to just “settle”. Simply stated, I want somebody who will love me, all of me, quirks and trappings included, and whom I will love just as much, is that too much to ask?

But snap back to reality, (thank God) I’m my “being boyfriendless doesn’t make me less of a person” persona again. But admittedly I would be applying different criteria to my happiness were I in a relationship. In being single I may have the freedom to do whatever the hell I feel like without having to consult anyone. I can come home as late as I want, hang out with anyone I like, and basically have lots and lots of fun. However, at the same time, being single robs me of the freedom of being in love. So it’s a trade off and in many ways.

I really think that being alone should not be to prepare us for couplehood, rather, the goal of being single should be to learn to fulfill ourselves, to meet our needs, and to develop as a person regardless of whether or not we choose to enter into a relationship. By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill. I believe that the purpose of entering into a relationship should be to share oneself with another person as opposed to trying to get from someone what is lacking in ourselves. Expecting someone else to fill in the gaps usually results in grave disappointments, a sense of failure, and, endless resentment

Liberties aside, the greatest element to being single is the excitement of the indeterminateness of my romantic life. I am excited by what could be. Ordinary spaces buzz with possibilities. The most banal encounter is loaded with the opportunity to be exciting. In a way, being single reminds me of when I was younger, watching cheap backyard fireworks. The most exciting part was always in the waiting, in the instant just before the bang.

So I stopped pestering God with my “send me a lover” tunes.

Here I am.

Awaiting, childlike and daring. 

* I should have posted this, weeks ago, but my sched is just so damn crazy, I barely have time to breathe.

After watching a dance concert at the CCP with ninz, teru and her (fabulousJ) dance mates, we had dinner and decided to hang out at the baywalk in

Roxas Boulevard

. 

But what was really going on my mind was unbeknownst to these wonderful peeps. The night spelled so many things for me. It opened new possibilities: New friends; new experiences; new opportunities.

It was a “rebirth” of some sort.

Having finally realized what I need to do for myself, I have resolved to embrace my individuality and personal choices by feeing myself from past relationships and people’s expectations. Now, I’m daring to do things that I like, learn about ideas that I’m passionate about, and simply lead a life with my true happiness in mind.

As I open myself up to this process of finding out what life has in store for me, I’m awaiting each discovery with thrilling anticipation.

I’ll be brave enough to post this. I wrote this poem after I attended a friends wedding… I saw her brother at the church… our eyes met…and…

To the One…

I gazed into your eyes

And my heart stopped

I was captivated

Ensnared

I want to stay in your heart

Forever

Imprisoned.

Yes, we talked during the reception. (I don’t’ know if I just imagined it)

No, he didn’t get my number (God, I just wish he did)

No, I haven’t seen him since. (although I’ve thought about him A LOT)

Maybe we’re not meant for each other.

Maybe we met to make me realize that love was still possible for me.

Maybe that was his mission.

And fulfilled that mission, he did.

Now, I’m waiting for the one who…

…will make my heart stop (again J)

…make the rest the world a blur,

and most importantly…

… have my name written on his heart.

  There’s so much to be thankful for this weekend. I know I should do this more often instead of filling my blog with my rantings and ravings (although that’s good for my sanity J):

1. Citation Award – (*Scream*) wow! Okay, wait, I’m gonna try not to sound a little too self-serving here, but I GOT A 1.0 (Excellent, that is J) IN MY TMA #1 IN PM 201!!!!!!! Never, ever will I complain about how stressful making my TMAs are again! (uh, wait, I think I’m gonna have to take that back). Nothing beats being recognized for your work. It was a very unexpected albeit pleasant blessing. A real ego-booster, yes, but I shouldn’t let this get into my head, though. Now I know that all that advil (read: ed-veal) didn’t go to waste.

2. Forging of New Friendships – My classmates at UPOU went out to eat dinner last Saturday at Greenbelt3. The night was so fun; at this early, you just know that this friendship is for keeps. I’m looking forward to making more memorable moments with these wonderful peeps. (Ike, Manuel, Chelle, James, Jo-ann and Kim).

3. Rekindling of Old Ties – After dinner, I went straight to meet my college friends. These are my long time girlfriends and when we see each other, it seems like no time has elapsed. A night chock-full of laughter and reminiscing.  It is so nice to touch-base with these wonderful women again. Wish we could see each other more often, there is nothing like being surrounded by people who loves you no matter how goofy you can be and stands by you no matter what happens.

4. Reconnecting Family Ties – After three years of not talking to me, (for reasons I have yet to disclose) my beloved bwather finally did!!!! This is what I’ve been praying for years. Basta, I’m so happy I can’t put into words. Suffice it to say that this is the most wonderful blessing I’ve ever received all these years. But I guess this portends that I have to do the same. Soon, I guess…J

5. A Step Higher in my Career Ladder – I finally got the promotion I’ve been waiting for months. I took my oath of office last week. Although this means more responsibilities, I must say that I welcome the challenge. A challenge indeed, as I’m also taking my masters, I do hope that I will be able to fulfill my job and not have the reason to shortchange my performance.

Sometimes its so easy to focus on the negative things, if only we could focus on the more beautiful things in life then maybe, just maybe all will be much easier, don’t you think?

Helter Skelter

            

That has been my state of mind these past few days. My mind is neither here nor there. Come to think of it, my mind has been in total disarray since school started. My readings are piling and so are my to-do lists at work. I had more headaches than any average human can have in a lifetime; I’m chomping out advil (read: ed-veal) every four hours. That’s why if you notice I’m taking a lot of breaks from writing my TMA. I guess I’ve never felt more harassed in my life. Time management is just not in my dictionary these days.

But then, I realized that you just can’t do all things at the same time. It’s a reminder to me that as much I’d like to think I’m superwoman, I have no control over certain things. Sometimes, we expect too much from ourselves. We set our boundaries so high, and when we can’t deliver, we beat ourselves to death about being too lax or for not being good enough. And we end up being too stressed and miserable. (like I feel now L). I believe it’s just a matter of accepting that we can only do so much. It’s important that we find our balance; wouldn’t it be wonderful to go down from our own high horse once in a while? That’s why I’m thankful for good friends who know exactly when to give me support or to just let me be whenever I’m in these stressful times.

I’ve learned that in life, it is better to hope than to expect. Hope opens up possibilities, Expectations limits them. Too often, we overlook the simple things. Encouragement. Support. Acceptance. Love. Space to just be. These are the jewels we’ve relegated in the attic in our frenzied attempt to shape our destinies. Wouldn’t it be great if we let each other be? It would be liberating to release our white-knuckled grip on life; to trust enough it its process to let it unfold. It would be absolutely freeing to remember that grace comes from the gentle acceptance of life, simply for the way it is.

Neruda on my Mind

I wanted to take a break from writing my TMA which I confess is the only thing occupying my mind lately. I wanted to write a poem for my blog, but unfortunately, creativity seems to escape me. (one TMA has a way of sucking up all your energies, imagine making two, I feel dead beat). I’m a frustrated everything; singer, dancer, writer (I try to), poet, artist, name it, I wanted to do it but somehow, failed in it. Anyway, I said I wanted to write a poem, and one writer, a Nobel prize winner at that, came to mind, THE Pablo Neruda. To say the guy’s brilliant is such an understatement. He writes with so much passion, from something as mundane as a flea to an intense emotion such as luuuv. If he’s alive he should write a book : “Poetry for DUMMIES”. I once tried, and when a friend of mine read it, it sounded awful. Even I felt eeeewwww. (*shudder*)

Here’s a sample of a genius’ work, since a dummy like me can’t do it.

(*Sigh*) I’m in desperate need of a muse.

Any takers?

Fleas interest me so much

   

Fleas interest me so much

that I let them bite me for hours.

They are perfect, ancient, Sanskrit,

machines that admit of no appeal.

They do not bite to eat,

they bite only to jump;

they are the dancers of the celestial sphere,

delicate acrobats

in the softest and most profound circus;

let them gallop on my skin,

divulge their emotions,

amuse themselves with my blood,

but someone should introduce them to me.

I want to know them closely,

I want to know what to rely on.

Love

Because of you, in gardens of blossoming flowers I ache from the

perfumes of spring.

   I have forgotten your face, I no longer remember your hands;

how did your lips feel on mine?

   Because of you, I love the white statues drowsing in the parks,

the white statues that have neither voice nor sight.

   I have forgotten your voice, your happy voice; I have forgotten

your eyes.

   Like a flower to its perfume, I am bound to my vague memory of

you. I live with pain that is like a wound; if you touch me, you will

do me irreparable harm.

   Your caresses enfold me, like climbing vines on melancholy walls.

   I have forgotten your love, yet I seem to glimpse you in every

window.

   Because of you, the heady perfumes of summer pain me; because

of you, I again seek out the signs that precipitate desires: shooting

stars, falling objects.

Warning: Excessive use of expletives

A glimpse of me on saner days…

And now the only thing on my mind…

TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…

TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…

TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…TMA…

TMA used to mean Tutor Marked Assignment, but now it has taken a whole new meaning:

T#*g I#!%g Masteral Assignment!

Aaaaarrrgghhh! %^&*?/$#%^&*!#$%^&*&^%$?>&^%$##!!!&*^&^$#!#$%^&*&?!?#$%^

                      *&^%$#*&^%$?<*&^^%$$%^#!#$^&**^%$###^^^*&&^@!!@$%%^^&&

                      @@$%&*&^!#?>%^<&*&#$#!*&*&&&^%$$$$$##**&&*&**%%$^^&&&

Aaaaahhh, I feel so much better now. I can now go back doing my TMA.

I feel like I’m

     standing at the edge of a precipice…

             waiting of a whopper of a surprise

                            that will change the trepid

                                            temperature of my

                                                                      life